I’ve been looking for this for years…

It was probably about nine or ten years ago I got an email that had an open letter to Dr. Laura asking some questions about God in light of comments she made about homosexuality.  I sent it on to a few people, something that I have only done about 3 times out of the thousands and thousands of email forwards I have received, and sort of forgot about it.

Cut to a few years later I was having a polite argument with a friend about gay marriage, and I remembered the letter.  I tried to find it.  I searched through my old emails, I googled all sorts of keywords or phrases, I asked anyone that I thought I might have sent it to, and I couldn’t find anything.  Then last summer during the Ordinance 64 debates in Anchorage I tried to find it again, same results.

So today I was reading some articles about God hating shrimp (which is my theory on why He caused the oil spill in the Gulf) and there it was.  The open letter to Dr. Laura that I hadn’t seen in close to a decade.  Back around the time I first saw the letter Susan Stepney, a professor at the University of York in the UK did a bit of digging and found the author was J. Kent Ashcraft.  Snopes says the authorship is a mystery, but it doesn’t really matter it’s just out there now like hundreds of other things that will eventually show up in your inbox.  I wanted to give credit where credit is due before posting it here.  And now without further ado, and mostly just so I never forget where to find it again, an open letter to Dr. Laura…

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination  – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.  19:27.  How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?   (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “I’ve been looking for this for years…

  1. ImMattMan

    Cool, a piece of Internet history. Wish I had an email 10 years ago. Why did you leave out the part in the letter that states “…If you do not send this to 10 different friends your head will implode.”?

  2. Gabriel Day

    This letter is a lot like the speech Jed Bartlett makes to the in-universe version of Dr. Laura in The West Wing (I think round about season 3?). I wonder which came first.

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